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</html>";s:4:"text";s:13817:"I hope you listen to this episode and that it provides you with some direction about how to find out, one way or another. We just muddle through them. Agreeing to postpone the conversation if things get contentious. It’s going really well but I tend to shutdown whenever my guy says even the slightest thing critical. Hi Sarah, thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. I’ll put some thought into this and come up with some resources for you. I’ve seen this happen Lia, and I have every confidence that it can happen for you, too. A baby always makes everything about itself. Go to couples counseling Mike — no need to keep beating your head against a wall. Am I being the difficult one? And I wondered if I was being a horrible friend, if I betrayed her, if I should have stuck it out longer; after all, she didn’t abandon me when I’d gone through a year of depression. All the best, LMB. 5 years of being patient has taken its toll on me as a person.. and i am not who i use to be.. feeling exhausted, timid and unhappy. I know what he’s like, so I try to be less direct and sometimes ask him if it’s ok what I say. It’s so hard when you connect with someone who is legitimately not emotionally available, but I fear that may be true in your case. If you must address something you don’t like, sandwich it in at least two positive comments and make sure it’s a “request” and not a “criticism.” Does this skill feel challenging when you’re angry? So, if someone wants space, or when somebody shuts down, they need space to assemble all the parts inside of themselves. Write him or her a letter. Because that fear of abandonment is coming up, and so we want to reconnect with them and we want them to reassure us that everything is okay. Is that a slippery slope that will lead to her future infidelity that will be my fault because I am bothered by it? What if its narcissism and he is intimidating you and controlling you? As a marriage counselor, I’ve seen couples put this off and but the time they finally show up in my office it’s very, very hard to fix. Your email address will not be published. Sometimes (and I do wish this were different) it takes hearing a professional talk about the impact of these kinds of behaviors on a relationship to help a withdrawer / avoider understand how toxic these behaviors actually are. I hope that it inspires you to do the same. And, unfortunately, that is nothing you have control over. LMB. They constantly mess up the couch in the shared space, cover multiple tabletop surfaces in trinkets, items, leftovers and garbage. This is something that many people struggle with, and I will absolutely be addressing this at more length in an upcoming podcast. This frustrates me so much and when I want to share my feelings with him, he gets very defensive, he thinks that I’m attacking him, then he completely shuts down. Telltale Signs of an Emotional Affair. Usually when we speak, he ends up admitting to not being able to talk and that it is a problem (we often have to sit for 1 hour with him staring blankly in the distance before he says one sentence… or before I give up…). These issues are solvable up to a certain point. He prides himself on being passive and non judgmental of everyone but he’s extra hateful to me. Even if you are changing, they still expect you to be the same (and react to you accordingly). He leaves me in the dark. its now crunch time. When I looked back at those instant messages, I realized she misunderstood my comment as criticism of her and her family, and not the general statement I had meant it as.) i feel like we will keep arguing about his feelings until we break up or destroy each other emotionally. LMB, ive been dating my boyfriend for almost four years, i do realize i can get very emotional and that might be the cause for him to go into his shell, but even when im calm and collected i try to talk to him about emotions mine or his and what he wants and he still doesnt fully communicate he says he doesnt have much feelings but he knows he loves me and that he cares but that is difficult to comminicate hes the youngest of his 3 siblings and his mom left when he was 3 he says this doesnt effect him at all but idk what to do i have tried, Hi Moni, thanks for getting in touch with your question. Learn how to use empathy and understanding to get on the same page around finances. The dish was left for a month, when i decided to clean it. She started becoming distant, and I didn’t think much of it, knowing what she was going through. What’s coming up for me as I read your story, is that it takes a long time to get to know people. In that year he has been in a mental hospital (put there by his spouse at the time), jail (put there for defending me from said spouse after she physically assaulted me), and has been through a lot emotionally. Don’t tell me I should have done this or that or the other thing. I can understand how it would be even harder for you under these circumstances because it feels like you can’t even talk about it with him. Its giving me gray hairs going from acting like we are on a honeymoon one day then quivering in the corner. Its turned into me giving her the same answers and the same apology. This hurts me even more because my intention isn’t to hurt her, but hers clearly is because she feels threatened, so she deliberately attacks me and then shuts down, which isn’t fair because I’m left reeling and wanting to address her attacks and what she’s said. PLEASE I NEED HELP!! (It’s set up so you can send them an email invitation from within the quiz). But what you are describing is an enormous level of self-awareness around your own process. But yet, it’s so helpful, because in that moment, unfortunately, you need to learn to soothe yourself. He is constantly walking away from me in mid sentence, hanging up on me and even goes to bed while I’m crying for him. What sucks even more is that I want to prevent something becoming a bigger problem down the line, so I try to address it with her. My hope for you is that if you get effective help to resolve your old trauma you will be able to stay in the ring with your wife, without your old triggers leading you to shut down. “If I really, really push it and go after him sometimes he’ll react and we’ll finally address something, but it’s like I have to totally freak out to get him to go there with me. I really do love her but I dont know how to handle this situation.. Doug, you too are describing a situation that is not likely to change unless you two get involved with some great couples counseling. Two more things. If this communication style turns into a pattern, you might stop believing that you’ll ever get though. More resources and information on this important topic here: https://www.thehotline.org. You might eventually give up on trying to connect. ♀️ Learning how to deal with stonewalling and what to do when a man shuts down emotionally is super important for your romantic life & relationships! And at the same time, feel as if another part is holding you, is taking care of you, but also saying, “Yes. When we are out and I don’t agree with him on something (could be as simple as: ah, no I don’t feel like having dinner there), he sometimes feels the same way. Sometimes, i think it makes sense. The hard part here is that you can react emotionally to this “threat” even if, rationally, you know it’s not true. While many people today take their cell phones and internet access for granted, there are other effective ways to communicate in an emergency. In particular, roommate B seems to focus bad talk on one of my romantic partners (partner A) and his fiance, my metamour. It can be even more frustrating, painful and confusing as well, when this someone is a person you care a lot about such as your man. I admit I said some mean things out of anger because of this.. Whatever you do, do not go to a “relationship coach.” You need a licensed, experienced marriage and family therapist. He’s here to share it all with you, on this episode of the podcast. Hope to have it out to you soon. I’ve tried talking but it has just made it worse. Turns out that no matter the approach he gets angry, shuts down, walks away. becomes that others have bad intentions. Why would she need to pull herself together when she has you to do everything for her? Hear you. I try to explain to him over and over again that I’m not angry, I’m hurt by his invalidation of my feelings but he still doesn’t understand. They know why they do it. Respond to you. So as per his rules I modulate how I’ve approached him about things which upset me. But the harder you try to connect, the harder they work to block you. She takes it as an attack when I’m not intending it to be. I have a hard time believing she really wants to end our friendship just like that, especially when she’s obviously angry and hurt, but it still freaking hurt that she went there. Good communication and conflict resolution flow naturally when two or more people are open to learning about themselves and each other. (especially when her reasons for things are because she does everything for everyone else and doesn’t take any time for herself. Her behavior is only so much Self awareness, how to communicate with someone who shuts down he had an accident at work last year which up... 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