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They may be seeing, or hearing, something that you cannot. And there are many subtle forms verbal abuse can take, making it even harder to recognize. Welcome, this is your discreet connection tohelp. Insulting youcalling you fat, ugly or stupidor criticizing your parenting skills or intelligence. After a while, your partner wont want to volunteer their opinion or even offer help when you need it because they wont feel their opinion or value to the situation matters, Edwards says. While its easy to understand what belittling is, it is harder to identify it as a verbal and emotional abuse tacticbecause unlike shouting and yelling, belittling usually happens in private and becomes a pattern of abuse over time. Consider if this relationship is worth the risk. While this may seem like an easy one to recognize, it isnt always the case. How to Identify Belittling Language. Example: I don't think you have what it takes. Heidi McBain, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Life Transitions: Personal Stories of Hope Through Lifes Most Difficult Challenges and Changes, tells Bustle that this can be belittling behavior. However, in most cases, if the most senior person is putting you down and you are not able to resolve issues with them, it may mean you will have to leave your job. Are the remarks affecting your self-esteem, confidence or self-image? Perfectionists, people-pleasers and those who are particularly self-critical are more susceptible to falling into the trap of taking belittling remarks to heart. Period. We avoid using tertiary references. How can you tell if a spouse has crossed that line and has become the bully in your life? Arguments take you by surprise, but you get blamed for starting them. Everyone has quirks and annoying habits, but the difference is how you approach treating your partner: Is it like a child that misbehaves or like a partner?. It is often harder to identify belittling as an abusive behavior, and perhaps because of this, it is less often discussed as a type of abusive behavior. Blaming you for their abusive behavior, but then turning around and telling you how much they love you. Some examples of disrespectful employee behavior include: Actions such as throwing papers or slamming doors . It's normal to feel mad, upset, or confused. Keep things in check with yourself by asking these questions: Have you heard these thoughts from someone else? I am a social media enthusiast, emerging writer, and host of the Talking Taiwan podcast. Then I wont be able to show my face in public or say that you even know me.. In addition, seeing a therapist either on your own or together is also an invaluable way to learn how to build a healthier relationship. You dont have to put up with this sort of behavior. When someone belittles you at work it could be because of the following reasons: Let us take a look at each of these reasons in detail! Making you the butt of jokes or offhand comments that disparage you and then saying something like, I didnt mean it. Soon, your good intentions turned into belittling your partner even though you thought you were helping them. While this is definitely a sign of a healthy relationship, the silent treatment. If your partner constantly disagrees with you, and starts an argument whenever they see an opportunity, or if conversations and arguments seem to go round in circles, leaving you tired and drained, then these are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. This negative behavior can cause the employee to no longer speak up during meetings. What makes belittling behavior so dangerous is that it is often dismissed initially. Well, wrong. They employ humiliation and shame to degrade you and eat away at your confidence. While 100% will perpetuate an unhealthy behavior, that does not mean we have tostay in a relationship or friendship that undermines our self-esteem. Find answers to your questions by searching our inclusive library of content. Unfortunately, most of us will brush off belittling comments that make us feel uncomfortable. Gaslighting can make one feel isolated and unable to express their feelings. If you are constantly feeling defeated or deflated, pay attention to the thoughts that are making you feel this way and where theyre coming from. If you have any questions about how we protect your data, check out our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. Examples: Why are you always so sensitive to everything?. Example:I dont think you have what it takes. They know you need to communicate about whos picking up the kids, but they refuse to answer your calls or texts. Refusing to talk to you, look you in the eye, or even be in the same room with you is meant to make you work harder to get their attention. You can learn more about how we ensure our content is accurate and current by reading our. Sometimes it can be easy to spot a controlling personality, especially when someone continuously pushes their partner to do and say things they are not always comfortable with. Belittling is a covert form of manipulation and abuse that happens gradually. Shaming, embarrassing language: this is meant to make you feel foolish, self-conscious, flustered or humiliated. Leadingham says the key is to trust your partner and see if they are capable or incapable of meeting your relationship requirements and needs. https://www.themuse.com/advice/4-better-ways-to-handle-a-condescending-coworker-than-stooping-to-his-level, https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2014/09/18/the-seven-ways-people-make-you-miserable-at-work-and-what-to-do-about-it/. Over time, its a huge turn-off that couples often raise in counseling as an issue., As you can see from the above, there are several unexpected ways you may be belittling your partner. youll need to know how to deal with it and to stop it. This could be about a big achievement in your life or the rehashing of a mistake of the past. Emotional abuse, distinct from physical violence (including shoving, cornering, breaking and throwing things, etc. Recognizing belittling behavior is the first step to breaking the cycle. Although its common to joke around and laugh with your partner, how you do it may morph into behavior that puts them down. But in a verbally abusive relationship, its particularly harsh and persistent in an attempt to chip away at your self-esteem. Belittling is a form of verbal abuse that can show up in several different ways: Criticism Comments or criticisms that make you feel insecure, focusing on the negative and designed to create self-doubt. You cant even meet me without having a chaperone now?. Speculation over a circumstantial situation: fabricating something to paint an unflattering picture of you. However, constant criticism and belittling of a significant other are NOT healthy, and over time can lead to a significant loss of self-esteem. At the time, it may have seemed like an isolated incident, but belittling remarks can easily turn into a form of verbal abuse when they happen on a recurring basis. Our minds work 24/7 at processing our lives, and this includes previous partners [and] comparisons with your current relationship, especially in newer relationships," Jorge Fernandez, LCSW, an individual and family psychotherapist, previously told Bustle. Keep in mind theres a chance it will eventually escalate. The best thing you can do is keep your cool. Amie Leadingham, Amie the Dating Coach, Master Certified Relationship Coach, Antonia Hall, psychologist, relationship expert, and author of the Sexy Little Guide books, Stef Safran, matchmaking and dating expert, Heidi McBain, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Life Transitions: Personal Stories of Hope Through Lifes Most Difficult Challenges and Changes, Thomas Edwards, the founder of The Professional Wingman, Jorge Fernandez, LCSW, an individual and family psychotherapist, Dr. Racine Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist, Toni Coleman, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach, This article was originally published on April 27, 2018, The 'Sex And The City' Cab Light Theory, Revisited, It's Hot When People Call You By Your Last Name, Karly & Deb Found A Simple Way Of Making Long Distance Work, Caroline & Nat First Met At A House Party Over A Decade Ago, Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter. Example: You are discussing restaurant options and dont want to go with your partners preference. There are all kinds of people who are unpleasant to be around-Debbie downers, complainers, jealous green monsters, mean-spirited snarks, and most anyone who wears neon sunglasses- but if you walk. Respectful partners should build each other up, not purposefully put each other down. For example, verbal abuse includes being subjected to, If you cant tell whether your partner is being funny or . A remark that trivializes your feelings, thoughts, experiences, or accomplishments, making you feel unimportant, invalidating your feelings or downplaying your accomplishments. Acknowledge the comment, but don't engage with it. Breaking things off with your abuser can be complicated in some situations, like if you live with them, have children together, or are dependent on them in some way. words will never hurt me, but the effects of verbal and emotional abuse are long-lasting and difficult to heal. Sometimes, we feel a need to be in control, when, to others, it can come across that you are belittling their way of doing things, Safran says. If people perform better than others they will definitely get a reward in the form of recognition, a promotion or a bonus. However, a fun thing to do would be to start ignoring them after sometime. For people experiencing it, verbal abuse is often isolating since it chips away at your self-esteem making it more difficult to reach out to a friend. Arguments that always resort to yelling and the use of aggressive phrases in a conversation are all signs that your communication with your partner is anything but healthy. Continue reading to learn more, including how to recognize it and what you can do next. At a friends house, you say or do something they dont like. Welcome to DomesticShelters.org, a trusted Bright Sky US partner. Abuse comes in many forms, not all of which are physical. It can take a toll on a survivors confidence and sense of self-esteem. We do not need to always agree on everything in a relationship, but there should be a mutual acceptance of this, rather than an atmosphere of one-upping the other or engaging in arguments you can never win. . Here are some tips on how to do that: Calmly repeat what someone has said to you and firmly respond that you simply dont agree with their statements. If youre in school, talk to a teacher or guidance counselor. Heres How That Affects Your Health. Perfectionists, people-pleasers and. But that doesnt make it any less distressing or mentally exhausting for people on the receiving end. This is a very common form of emotional abuse, and often goes undetected, as it can be discreet and severely manipulative. Without permission, some of us unconsciously start trying to fix or change our partner, Amie Leadingham, Amie the Dating Coach, Master Certified Relationship Coach, tells Bustle. Youve made it clear that youre not ready for kids, but your partner brings it up every month. It leads to a downward spiral of self-doubt that is hard to overcome. [Interrupting] demonstrates an impatience and disinterest and basically minimizes their partner's need to be heard, Toni Coleman, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach, previously told Bustle. Searchable directory of domestic violence programs and shelters in the United States and Canada, Articles, videos, and helpful tools for people experiencing and working to end domestic violence. Also, if your trusted friends and/or family are telling you that something is wrong, hear them out. Its all to make themselves feel superior. This could include them saying things to you such as "You look awful in that outfit" or "You should probably stop playing video games so much". Yelling or screaming at you to get a reaction. Enter your location to find phone numbers for domestic violence experts in your area. Sometimes it can be easy to spot a controlling personality. Its OK to provide constructive criticism when requested on occasion; being honest with your partner is healthy. Therein lies the danger; over time the cumulative effect of belittling causes harm by wearing you down and slowly chipping away at your self-esteem. Emotional and psychological abuse in children is defined as the behaviors, speech, and actions of parents or significant figures that has a negative. Is there a recurring theme? ", "It's nice that you have found a friend.". If you need guidance on how to separate from your abuser or if you fear escalation, here are a few resources that will provide support: Once youre out of a verbally abusive situation, its often easier to see it for what it was. It can also make you more dependent on the abuser. People belittle you because they want to show that they know better and are in a position to tell people how they should behave or have the authority to point out mistakes. Safran says this may reveal itself through cleaning the house, for instance. Examples of Bullying Belittling or intimidating a student Singling out one student for punishment or ridicule Humiliating or shaming students in front of classmates Yelling at a student or group of students Using racial or religious slurs or other forms of belittling a student based on gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation This is a behavior that is intended to make one feel good about their own selves rather than to actually put the other person down. Hence, to push you off track and possibly hamper your efforts and affect your work, they will start belittling you. Often these are simply negative names (e.g . You might not be aware youre doing it, but you should figure out why youre doing it. Her detractors are in the habit of belittling her accomplishments. In a verbally abusive relationship, the abuser will yell until they get what they want. You may be experiencing some or all of these factors and still wonder, Is this abuse? Its a hard pill to swallow, believing that the person you love and trust can be purposefully trying to hurt you as a means of power and control. Belittling an employee . Respond with humor or exaggerate the belittling comment and make a joke out of it. Whats the difference between verbal abuse and a normal argument? You can't control another person's thoughts or speech, so it's best to focus on the one thing you can control - that's you. While this is definitely a sign of a healthy relationship, the silent treatment,often called withholding, is not. Whether it be career goals or ones within your relationship, its important to show that you respect them and to tread lightly when you give feedback on the things they are hoping to achieve. Outright threats can mean that verbal abuse will escalate. You cant tell me theres nothing going on there., Why wont you give me your cell phone if youve got nothing to hide?. Thomas Edwards, the founder of The Professional Wingman, tells Bustle that disregarding what your partner says is an unexpected indicator that youre belittling them. Do you walk on eggshells whenever he or she is around? You are notalone. When belittling does occur, we might dismiss it because, frankly, were bigger than that, right? The next time someone makes a belittling remark to you, call them out. Youre likely to hear about verbal abuse in the context of a romantic relationship or a parent-child relationship. An example of a gaslighting comment would be something like, "you're remembering that wrong" or "you're just being too sensitive." If a coworker or boss continues to belittle you, it may be time to talk to someone in human resources. When she told her ex, their response was, Thats completely ridiculous. Lets say that someone says, you will look ridiculous doing that. You could respond by saying something like, Yes, its so ridiculous that youll have to call the fashion police on me. Next time they come up to you openly ask them about their habit of constantly giving you advice. Example: Thats not such an impressive achievement. It can make you apologize for things that arent your fault. Communication had broken down and my relative had struggled to set boundaries with her ex. It is possible that the person who belittles you actually perceives you as a threat that they want to diminish or eradicate! People being gaslighted often find themselves apologizing for behavior that they never committed. Gaslighting includesdiscounting a partners emotions and making them wonder if their feelings are meaningless and/or wrong. belittling adjective [more belittling; most belittling] a very belittling description She did not mean to be belittling (about her predecessors). One Love empowers young people with the tools and resources they need to see the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships and bring life-saving prevention education to their communities. Insults or put-downs: demeaning comments that make you feel inferior or worthless. . Questions about someones judgment or competency: this is a way to discredit or attack your faculties and make you feel inferior or incompetent. Hence, to push you off track and possibly hamper your efforts and affect your work, they will start belittling you. Sometimes people get really into giving advice and feel really attached to that advice they are passing on to their partner, she says. Allow them to come over to your cubicle and talk to you about your work. Use statements such as: Stop it. Comments designed to elicit guilt or shame: this could be a form of emotional blackmail that makes you feel obligated. They may consider you a threat due to a number of reasons such as your skills, educational qualification, interpersonal skills, physique or looks or even your experience in your career life. Belittling is a covert form of manipulation and abuse that happens gradually. They may simply need someone to point this out and to explain it to them. Manipulation is an attempt to make you do something without making it a direct order. 2023 | One Love Foundation is a 501 (c)(3) Start refusing to engage in unreasonable arguments. If you are constantly feeling defeated or deflated, pay attention to the thoughts that are making you feel this way and where theyre coming from. These include belittling, blaming, contempt, humiliation, and disabling expectations. Even if you cant agree completely, youre able to compromise or move on without punishments or threats. If someone is repeatedly accusing you of things, they may be jealous or envious. If you are constantly feeling defeated or deflated, pay attention to the thoughts that are making you feel this way and where theyre coming from. Don't take the bait and enter into an argument about what has been said. Lets say that someone says, you will look ridiculous doing that. You could respond by saying something like, Yes, its so ridiculous that youll have to call the fashion police on me. They might be meddling with work affairs or taking part in something illegal because of which they do not want you around! But does yelling at them work? The initial disagreement sets off a string of accusations and dredging up of unrelated issues to put you on the defense. In many cases, the harasser is a supervisor or manager who victimizes their subordinates. This will send a clear message that you will not tolerate their behavior and if you do this early on you can prevent this behavior from becoming a pattern. By the time you realize whats going on, it might be quite late in the game. They want to exert their dominance on others and make sure everyone knows that they need to be asked for permission before any changes can take place. When belittling does occur, we might dismiss it because, frankly, were bigger than that, right? PO Box 4556 New York, NY 10163 For example: "If you do that, it proves you don't care about your family and everyone will know it." "You'd do this. A remark that trivializes your feelings, thoughts, experiences, or accomplishments, making you feel unimportant, invalidating your feelings or downplaying your accomplishments. It will describe the types of comments or behaviors such individuals make and the purpose of doing so. The abusers comments can be sarcastic, disdainful, and patronizing. Its best to be proactive by calling someone on it and nipping it in the bud before it escalates into a pattern of verbal abuse. Are the remarks affecting your self-esteem, confidence or self-image? The article then gets reviewed by a more senior editorial member. It is possible they want you gone entirely from the scene! Ignoring how you feel, disregarding your opinion or failing to recognize your contributions. Limit your exposure to the abuser as much as possible. Arguments that always resort to yelling and the use of aggressive phrases in a conversation are all signs that your communication with your partner is anything but healthy. Abusers want you to feel bad about yourself. This is extremely important to take note of in the workplace because as we mentioned before the toxic coworker may be hiding something! If appropriate, offer to take up the conversation again when the belittling speech is stopped. For example, a fellow coworker may be afraid that their boss offers you the promotion that they have been working for so hard. This article explained why someone might belittle you at work and their true intention behind the behaviour which may include their insecurity, desire to feel superior or to impress others. often called withholding, is not. One study revealed that 95 percent of abusers who physically abuse their partners also verbally abuse them. How terrible. What makes belittling behavior so dangerous is that it is often dismissed initially. Its one thing to have a sarcastic tone during a heated argument and another to be condescending all of the time. Cant you do anything right?, Before I came along you were nothing. Some examples of subtle discriminating languages include: Belittling comments; Snide remarks; Suspicious questions Its one thing to have a sarcastic tone during a heated argument and another to be condescending all of the time. 1-844-832-6158 So before that happens they will try and make you feel bad about yourself by passing belittling remarks they cant do much but talk down to you. , especially when someone continuously pushes their partner to do and say things they are not always comfortable with. The harasser exercises their power by bullying a victim who is lower on the office hierarchy. Then they accuse you of being overly sensitive or say that it was a joke and you have no sense of humor. Thats why nobody likes you., You screwed up again. Example: "You idiot, now you have made me angry!" 2. If you travel in the same social circles, you might have to make some difficult decisions. Tell them how you can do your work perfectly fine and that not everyone has to follow their way of work. 3. Negative and non-confrontational communication in a relationship can lead to poorer mental and physical health for both you and your partner. When she told her ex, their response was, Thats completely ridiculous. "Nervous breakdown" describes severe mental distress. Partnerships depend upon two people lifting each other up, not bringing each other down., At times, your partner may want your advice on something, but are you always giving them advice, whether they want it or not? Purposely keeping an employee from opportunities Threats can be dressed up in a way that makes them appear as if they arent so bad, or in a way that makes you question if you really heard right. I had a co-worker come up to me on numerous occasions and speak to me in an aggressive and bullying way about how she WANTS things done HER way. [+ object] : to describe (someone or something) as little or unimportant The critic belittled the author's work. It isnt unusual for two people to disagree or argue about the same thing more than once until they find common ground. While 100% will perpetuate an unhealthy behavior, that does not mean we have to stay in a relationship or friendship that undermines our self-esteem. Tell your partner exactly how they made you feel and that you didnt like it. If the coworker is out to get you then the worst thing you could do is show them you are angry at what they keep on doing. Comments or criticisms that make you feel insecure, focusing on the negative and designed to create self-doubt. ; Condescension: While often disguised as humor, sarcastic comments that are intended to belittle and demean the other person can be a form of verbal abuse. Bringing up past mistakes or failures: this will keep you stuck and unable to move forward or improve. Safran says another example of this is trying to correct the way your partner dresses or looks. She says if they cant, then it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. Example: The fact that your client decided to stop working with you makes me seriously makes me question your professionalism and competency. Here are some tips on how to do that: Calmly repeat what someone has said to you and firmly respond that you simply dont agree with their statements. But belittling is no joking matter. Weve all heard the old adagesticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, but the effects of verbal and emotional abuse are long-lasting and difficult to heal. Life Transitions: Personal Stories of Hope Through Lifes Most Difficult Challenges and Changes, Relationships are all about communication, a balance of decision-making in your relationship. Be careful that your teasing isnt getting to your partner and lowering their self-esteem, Hall says. Choose the best way for you to support victims and survivors of domestic violence. While its easy to understand what belittling is, it is harder to identify it as a verbal and emotional abuse tacticbecause unlike shouting and yelling, belittling usually happens in private and becomes a pattern of abuse over time. Verbal comments of aggression towards another employee . Belittling is a form of verbal abuse that can show up in several different ways: Criticism. Let them know youll no longer respond to or overlook verbal abuse. You recall an event, agreement, or argument and the abuser denies that it happened at all. You can choose to be the better person. Healthline Media does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. 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